The Most Awful Humor Collection of Them All
by akaisakura
Summary: White Day? Oh, no... What could possibly go wrong now?? How much trouble could Hikaru get into this time?? *bonus!* akai's less than witty responces to your reviews!
1. The Most Bishounen of Them All

Hey, all. First Hikago fic, and it's random spam. Blah. One day I will write a real fic, but seeing as how I'm still writing my two long ones, I can't afford to start another monstrosity of a fic... -_-;; 

So just a bit of a setting thingie: 

Akira and company are actors in the Hikaru no Go manga/TV show, and so while they do play go, they're not really pros. Basically, a random AU fic of sorts. Ko Yonha is the Korean Go prodigy who shows up in Volume 20 of the manga. He's the one with the red hair that looks more like a woman than Akira does, if that's possible... -_-;; 

/blah/ = thought 

  


  


Disclaimer: The usual. If I owned any of these characters, the entire manga would've been from Akira's point of view... (j/k) ^_~ But seriously, I don't claim anything, 'cept for the pitiful attempt at humor displayed here. 

Now, on with... 

  


  


The Most Bishounen of Them All 

  


  


Touya Akira was sitting in his room combing his silky, tangle-free hair as he hummed a tune to himself. Thinking that nothing could possibly ruin his perfect day, he chanced a glance at his mirror and just happened to spot a blur of yellow and black that had just opened his door and was proceeding to move towards him. 

/Just great./ 

The genki boy with bleached hair bounded up to him and decidedly ruin his preening time with a loud, "Hey, Touya! Did you read the opinion polls in Monthly Jump this week?" 

"No... Why?" 

"That Korean guy your dad plays, you know, Ko Yonha... well, he just beat you in the "Most Bishounen" category..." 

For a second, there was complete silence. Then a screech as infuriated as a banshee's erupted from the depths of the raven-haired boy. 

"WHAAAAAT?!?! How _dare_ he?!?!" 

Ever the helpful one, Hikaru continued on, "You know, the article's writer even mistook him for a girl and wrote "she" a few times..." 

"..." 

Silence. 

"Touya...?" 

"..." 

Silence again. 

"Touya...? Hello? Are you still here?..." Hikaru asked as he waved his hand in front of his friend's eyes. He quickly jerked his hand back and quite possibly even leapt a little when Akira practically screamed, "How dare he take my spot?!?! And he's not even nearly as angsty as me! How dare he overshadow my feminine grace, my girly hair, my beautiful eyes, my..." 

"...uh, Touya..." 

"And I thought I was supposed to be the only bishounen in this show! _I_ was supposed to draw in the female fanbase with my patented serious, yet sexy, "take me now cause you know you want to be the one to take my mind off of go" look(tm)!..." 

/I think it's more like the "make a yaoi pairing out of me with Hikaru as I stalk him cause you want _him_ to take my mind off of go" look... Sides, Sai beat you in all those departments and then some... *sigh* Sai... I miss you... You need to come back to us... if only to keep me sane and out of the way of Touya's mood swings.../ 

"Oooh, this is awful! This must be settled once and for all! Where is he? We'll see what that pretty boy has to say after I beat him..." 

"... you're not really going to, are you...?" 

"Of course I'm going to beat him! I'm definitely much stronger than he is! You've seen his strength before when you two got into that fight last week! You know I can easily beat him in a fight!" 

"He's a go player, Touya... a go player..." 

"So what? So am I! And I aim to prove that it doesn't matter who you are! No one takes my "Most Bishounen" spot that easily!" 

  


  


And so, the next week was spent plastering flyers and making public announcements as Hikaru was dragged around and forced to help train a fuming Akira for the big fight. 

  


  


The day of the big fight came and each side had its cheering squad, and despite his worries, Akira still had the majority of women on his side, though there were quite a number of women flocked around Izumi, Waya, and Hikaru... Perhaps what was most disturbing, however, was the fact that there existed older women who were hanging off of a very uninterested Ogata-sensei, and even older women hanging off of his father, Touya Kouyo... If there's one thing Akira didn't want to think about or have images of is what these women wanted to do with his own father. 

The fight started at precisely 10 am as both fighters bowed into the ring and begun the battle which would determine just who deserved the right to be called "Most Bishounen" in the popular manga "Hikaru no Go". 

  


  


The sun was setting, most of the screaming girls had gone home for the day, and the only people left were the combatants and their rivals, er... friends. Finally, the fight was over and everyone held their breath as they heard Akira finally admit defeat. 

"Makemashita..." 

"No, you mean, "Arimasen."" Yonha's face took on its trademark smug look as he watched his opponent bow his head even further in shame. 

"..." 

"I can't hear you~" 

"... Arimasen..." 

"Eh~? What was that?..." Yonha chided. 

"Arimasen..." 

"What?..." 

"ARIMASEN!" Akira looked up at Yonha, and if looks could kill, Yonha would've died 10 times over from the look Akira was giving him. 

"Much better. Well, I'm off! Gotta spread the news, right?" Yonha stated through a cheshire grin. 

/Arrogant bastard.../ 

Hikaru decided it was time to comfort his friend, seeing as how he was supposed to have helped him through this fight, but had been too occupied eating ramen from the ramen stand across the street the entire time. 

"Gee, never thought there'd be someone more stuck up than you..." 

"Shut up, Shindou!" 

  


  


And so, at the end of the day when all the spaces had been counted and all the stones had been put away, Touya Akira lost his title to Ko Yonha and was forced to settle for second most bishounen in the show. 

  


  


"Hey, you know, there's always next month's poll... I mean, you might win next month... right?..." 

"What's the category next month...?" 

"... "Most Arrogant"..." 

"SHINDOU!!!" 

  


  


Ok, so I hope that wasn't too bad... This is why I leave the humor fics to Erin Ellis, and I stick to angst. Anyhow, so a bit of a note: 

- "makemashita" means literally, "I have lost" while "arimasen" means "I have nothing". Basically, the end bit was a bad pun where Akira's admitting that he not only lost, but he has nothing on Yonha in the bishounen department. Heh, my own bad joke, I'm afraid... -_-;; *ducks as rotten eggs and tomatoes are thrown* 

- Yeah, it was a go game, I know... would've been nice if they had a real fight, right? ^_~ Maybe next time... 

  


  


Akira: But why would I want to win "Most Arrogant?..."  
Hikaru: ...  
akai: ...  
Akira: Don't you two even start... *glare*  
Hikaru: So, what made you think you could even beat him, anyway? You know he kicks ass at go.  
Akira: Well, actually, I've never played the guy before... but you two seemed about even when you two played last week... so I just assumed... and, uh... But, uh, that stuff is scripted anyway! You know you can't take anything on the show to be real!  
Hikaru: So... Hey, does that mean that I can really beat you in go in real life?...  
Akira: ... Not a chance in hell, Shindou.  
Hikaru: Awww. Pooey.  



	2. The Worst Day of Them All

Hey ^_^ So, here I am on White Day with a White Day present for you all. Not quite as short and to the point this time as I wrote this in a different narrative voice (I think my wittiness is going away) but I hope it's humorous none the less... (hence the name change to the fic series -_-;; ) 

Disclaimer: The usual. :P 

/blah/=thoughts 

  


  


The Worst Day of Them All  
akaisakura 

  


  


"THEY'RE HOW MUCH?!?!" 

Hikaru was staring at the piece of paper in his hands in absolute shock. Nearby, Akira looked up from his favorite pass time of preening as Waya and Isumi turned straight around and walked the other way upon hearing the outraged scream. It was the day after White Day in everyone's favorite Land of the Rising Sun, and all the male cast members of Hikaru no Go were reeling from having just appeased all the fangirls who had given them chocolates on Valentine's Day. 

Ah, White Day; a glorious day for the men of Japan as they cry about how much money they have to spend, or not spend. Those who didn't spend anything on that day were certainly crying tears of loneliness while those who spent a lot were surely crying tears of wallet pain. The men of Hikago, however, were trying to remain stoic, as the media would certainly pick up the sound of a single tear hitting the ground from a mile away. Course, that was all moot now as Hikaru broke down and started bawling at the number on the paper. 

So, where did this fiasco start? How did it come to such a conclusion, with everyone in relatively good spirits, and Hikaru crying like a faucet? It all started that fateful day, February 13th. 

  


  


"Hey, Touya! Do you know what tomorrow is?" Hikaru said with a silly grin on his face. Unfortunately for him, Akira was too absorbed in thinking about whether he should've been more angsty in that last scene they shot, and if he should be more angsty in future shots to come. And of course, how to bring out his beautiful blue-green eyes. 

"TOUYA!!!" 

Half the restaurant turned around to look at the small group in the corner booth as both Isumi and Hikaru turned beet red, but for very different reasons, and Waya, Yang Hai, and Hon Suyon gave Hikaru the most deadly deathlook they could muster. Akira, meanwhile, was still unphased as he continued in his serious contemplation. 

The master of the obvious suddenly took one look around and said, "Oh, shit" as a cluster of giggling fangirls approached their table. This was quickly followed by the rest of the group's rapid departure as they all took off and scattered to the four winds. Hikaru dragged a still spaced out Akira out of the restaurant and into the chilly night air. 

"Ara... Where are we? Why are we outside? I thought we decided to eat at that restaurant..." 

"It's nice to know you've decided to join us in the real world once again, Touya," Hikaru said slightly out of breath as he continued to drag Akira's stiff body. "You know, the one that your body exists in?..." 

"Well of course I know which world I'm in! It's the one where my beautiful self is revered by all fangirls everywhere." 

"Uh, huh... right. Somehow, I don't think we're talking about the same world here..." 

When Hikaru was fairly certain that they were out of the reach of the persistent fangirls, he let go of Akira and started walking home. 

"I hope you know how to get home from here because _I_ certainly don't." 

Hikaru turned around to face the taller actor. /Shit. Didn't think of that... should've paid more attention to how we got to that restaurant... actually, what was the name of that restaurant again?... uh... oh, blah./ 

"So, what's _your_ brilliant idea?" 

"A taxi." 

"What? And waste a nice night like tonight?" Hikaru was about to break into hyperactive mode again. "This has to be the only nice night we've had in Tokyo since November! I'm not letting you waste it by taking a damned taxi home! We're going to go ask some nice people and walk back. It can't be _that_ far back to the mansion." 

"Unless you've been dragging us in the exact opposite direction of our apartments." 

Hikaru threw Akira a look. "Well, excuuuuuse me! At least _I_ was helping us escape, Mr. I'm-Too-Absorbed-In-Myself-To-Notice-Anything-Outside-Of-Me!!!" 

"Is it _my_ fault I'm so beautiful?" 

"You're not number one anymore. Remember Ko Yonha?" Hikaru rubbed in. 

Akira thought back to that fateful day when he found out that the fans had betrayed him. He had been determined since that day to regain the number one spot. 

"I am _still_ number one, and I can prove it! It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, right? I bet I can get the most gifts out of the entire cast!" 

"You? phsh. Don't make me laugh! It's obvious I'll get the most! I'm the main character, therefore, I have the most fans!" 

"Whatever. You are so full of yourself, Shindou." 

"Like _you_ aren't?!?!" 

"_I_ am only stating a truth." 

"You're on! I bet that I'll get more gifts than you. I'll prove to you the power of Shindou!" 

"Fine!" 

They started to walk towards the nearest store to ask for directions when Akira interrupted. 

"Um..." 

"Yes, your royal highness?" 

Choosing to ignore that last statement, Akira started to ask, "Do we really have to walk? I really want to take a taxi! I mean, all this wind is ruining my hair!" 

"AAAAARG!!!" 

The terms were set. Both boys agreed that the fairest way to judge who had the most gifts was to count the number of people who had given presents to them. Given that the average fangirl would give something around 1,000 yen each, that was set as the standard. If someone gave something that was worth more than 1,000 yen, then it would be counted as from two, or three, or however many people's equivalent. 

  


  


Valentine's Day came the next day, as most tomorrows come after today, but since it was a school day, most of their loyal fan-base were at school, which was just fine for Hikaru. Less people meant less gifts he would have to return on White Day. Of course, this wasn't exactly going to help him win the contest either... So he went around to the schools after school and "conveniently" happened to pass by. Akira wasn't fooled by that, and he started his own campaign to gather girls to his side. After many hours, the sun was going down, and the students had to go home. Hikaru and Akira went back to their respective apartments and sorted and calculated the night away. 

  


  


Later that night... 

"Yatta! I won!" Shindou yelled from his balcony down into his rival's closed window. Realizing that Akira probably didn't hear that, he proceeded to stomp his way down the stairs and generally make as much noise as possible. 

"You hear that, Touya?! I won!" 

One of Akira's neighbors stuck her head out of her door. "SHUT UP!" 

"Oops... sorry." Hikaru let himself into Akira's apartment as he waltzed in and said, again, "I won!" 

"Gods, Shindou... I heard you the first time! You could wake the dead with the way you're carrying on! Aren't you ever quiet? I bet that when you die, you'll be just as annoying and noisy as that Sai character!" 

"You're just pissy cause you lost!" 

"Humph. Well, how much did you get?" 

"I got chocolate from 128 people today!" 

"Drat. You beat me by one." There was a slight pause. "Are you sure you didn't cheat??" 

"What?! How could you even think that _I_ would cheat?! I definitely wouldn't cheat on something like this!!" 

"Uh, huh. Well, I guess you haven't cheated yet, but that could be because you're too dumb to know how." 

"WHAT?! Why you..." 

"Just remember that you have to give all those people back a present. And remember that each present has to be about 3 times the amount of the original. Don't forget that, or you may have some very, very unhappy girls chasing after you, and I guarantee they won't be trying to get your autograph." 

"TH-THREE TIMES?!?" Hikaru sputtered. 

"_How_ long have you been living in Japanese society? Your _whole_ life, perhaps? Why do you not know this?" 

"I... uh... was hoping that it was wrong?..." Hikaru gave one of his silly lopsided grins. 

"Riiight... Good luck saving up all that money. You know it's going to cost you almost 400,000 yen to pay for all your presents on White Day, right?" 

"Ugh. Don't remind me..." 

  


  


The days came and went, and Hikaru slowly forgot about White Day. He kept up his usual pace of buying manga and the newest video games, and soon, he found himself with little more than 20,000 yen. On the day before White Day, he became seriously worried as he fretted his afternoon break away. 

/Drat, my paycheck doesn't come in until next week. I can't give these presents out late... urk... What should I do??.../ 

And that's when Hikaru found himself in front of the storage room for the props used on the show. 

/Ooh! I know! I can give autographed white go stones! I mean, they're gotta be worth a whole lot more than some silly chocolates to the fangirls. Right? Plus, it'll be nice and cheap for me! Free! I mean, who's going to miss a couple of old go stones anyway?? Ittadakimasu!/ 

So, with resolve, Hikaru took two sets of white go stones from the storage closet and went home to spend a greater portion of the night signing 360 go stones. 

  


  


Which brings us to... 

"THEY'RE HOW MUCH?!?!" 

Hikaru looked at the paper again and read the neat type-print. 

  


  


Igo stones   
Description: Clam Shell (Snow grade) and Slate Stone Set -- Size 50, 14.3 mm thick  
List price: 200,000 yen  
number: 2 

Go Stone Bowls  
Description: Yaku Cedar  
List price: 120,000 yen  
number: 4 

Total: 880,000 yen 

  


  


And there was a scrawl in red ink along the edge that simply read, "Ya' screwup!" 

"Way to go, Shindou. You didn't notice that the stones you took had stripes on them and were thicker than usual?" 

"I, uh, thought they were a _little_ big... and I thought the stripes were just dirt or something..." 

"And you're a go player?? Honestly, you're even worse than the character you play, Shindou. Even your "other" self would've noticed that the stripes on those stones were highly non-removable, not to mention that they were double the size of the ones you normally play with!" 

"So, uh, why do I have to buy two of them, and four of those cup thingies? Can't I just replace the white ones I took?" 

"Do you not know how to read? It says "SET" doesn't it? _Set._ You know, as in "TWO". Go stones are sold so that the buyer gets one of each color. And because there's two _sets_, you need to buy _four_ go stone cups, since you were dumb enough to give the two original bowls away, too." 

"... oh." 

Akira looked back at the mirror. Sensing he wasn't going to get any sympathy from the raven-haired boy, Hikaru turned around to leave the trailer. 

"...Guess I should've just sucked it up and bought actual presents..." 

"Yes, and it would do you some good to learn how to save your money once in a while, too, instead of spending it all on those ridiculous games and mangas. I bet that's what got you into trouble to begin with anyway. You and your hentai." 

"WHAT?!?!" Hikaru spun around to face his nemesis. "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I DON'T READ HENTAI!!!" 

"That's what you say..." 

And thus, they continued to argue the afternoon away. And when the director complimented them on their "great performance" in the day's scene, they could only nod politely and run away to continue their arguing. 

Will the world ever see the end of their incessant fighting? No one knows. But one thing we do know for sure is the world would be a whole lot quieter if they were to stop. And who knows, maybe then, that butterfly on the other side of the world that flaps its wings to cause a storm in Japan may have its job back... 

  


  


  


  


  


Notes:  
-I think they bickered a little too much in this one... but then, what's Hikago without their constant bickering? ^_^;; 

- As if there's more than one "Land of the Rising Sun" on the list... well, I guess I should clarify that it's Japan, in case you include Tonga on that list... ^_~ 

-"Ara" is just a word that expresses surprise. Usually, you'd use this word at the beginning of a sentence when something surprising has just happened or you thought of or heard something unexpected. In fact, a bunch of my students just walked by saying a bunch of "ara"s as they checked the class schedule for tomorrow... -_-;; Talk about timing... 

-Akira and Hikaru live in the same apartment building, but no, they don't share an apartment. I think they would kill each other within two hours if they lived together... -_-;; I called the apartment building "mansion" cause that's what they're called in Japan. Instead of "Which apartment building do you live in?", it's "Which mansion do you live in?". 

-I know you usually think of food when you hear "ittadakimasu", but in Japanese, you can also say ittadakimasu when you're helping yourself to something, not just food, though most of the time, you hear it in reference to food. 

-So much for free, huh? >:D The price for each go stone works out to be around 1108 yen a piece, if you count only the white ones, since that's all he gave. And since he gave an average of three pieces to each person, he actually made his 3 times the amount mark. However, since he had to pay for four new bowls on top of that, he definitely had to pay a lot more in the long run... Sides, I'm sure a few of them could sell the extra two on Ebay... >:D I think Hikaru unwillingly gave his fans something worth a lot more than he expected... All prices quoted from: 

By the way, a quick way to get a rough estimate of prices in dollars, take off two zeros from the price. ex: 200,000 yen approx.= $2,000. 

-White Day is celebrated every year on March 14th, exactly one month after Valentine's Day. On this day, men return gifts to women who gave them chocolates on Valentine's Day. As I said in the story, the value is supposed to be three times the woman's gift, and it was originally intended that you would give something white. Thus, marshmallows are incredibly popular (though I have no idea why that particular food... @_@;; ) but nowadays, you can give cookies and other assorted goodies ^_^ 

-Anyone else heard of that "butterfly flaps its wings and a storm forms across the ocean" thing?... 

  


  


Hikaru: I can't believe you made me so dumb-looking!  
akai: Well, it's how you act, isn't it?  
Akira: I agree. Shindou, sometimes, you can do the most stupid things and not even realize it.  
Hikaru: Oh, yeah? Like what??  
Akira: Remember the time when you fell for Waya's little joke and ended up getting the director sick for 2 days straight?  
Hikaru: Uh, well, it was good for his system to clear out all the, uh... bad stuff, or something...  
akai: You what?...  
Akira: Dum-dum here believed that the "powder" Waya gave him was super-fine salt, and generously sprinkled it all over the director's lunch. That gave the director a bad case of the runs for 2 days. Believe me when I say rehearsal was hardly pleasant...  
akai: *sweatdrop*  
Hikaru: *evil gleaming eyes* So... let's make a deal. If you don't write me as an idiot next time around, I won't poison your food...  
akai: *double sweatdrop* Uh... *runs away*  
Akira: ... *sweatdrop*  



	3. Review Replies

This is the page where I comment to people's reviews. I've taken up this habit of responding, as I feel it's only nice to respond to people's comments. So, in chronological order of entry: 

  


  


The Most Bishounen of Them All: 

_pan-chan  
this has to be one of my favorite _

panatlantic   
sorry, i MEANT to say before that it was one of my fovorite fics for hikago, and you should definately look at writing more humour!! (arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr0-65t*9/0/ (sorry = cat) 

  


Thanks for writing two reviews, and thanks to your cat! ^_~ I'm happy that you like this fic so much, and I will definitely try to write more in the future! 

  


  


_Eowyn  
That was certainly entertaining. I wouldn't mind seeing more one-shots from that AU :)_

  


Thanks, I'm glad you found it to be interesting. And to fulfill your request, I have written another fic in this AU ^_^ 

  


  


_dbz-freak  
AKIRA DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A GIRL! *cries*  
lol, forgive my ignorence but what does "Bishounen" mean? (I should know this shouldn't I? I speak some japanese lol) I thought Sai looked more like a female than any of the other guys lol. But anyways, that was really funny! Write another, onegaishimasu~!_

  


Poor Akira… has the haircut of a girl… seriously, even in Asia, that kind of haircut is usually worn by young girls… -_-;; 

"Bishounen" means "pretty boy". Shounen usually refers to boys around the ages of 11-18-ish. I guess Sai counts… he acts young enough ^_^;; But yeah, Sai did beat everyone in that category, in my opinion, but Akira's more popular, so he'd win (or so goes the theory…) 

  


  


_Summercloud  
This was cute! I especially liked the outtake at the end. Although I kept expecting them to get into some sort of contest like in Ranma 1/2... y'know, like "marital arts bishonen go contest" or something. Right... I'll just go now, ok?_

  


I'm glad you liked the outtake ^_^ I try to make them funny, but that doesn't always happen I'm afraid… *sigh* 

Yeah, the joke in that bit with the fight was that everything in the show is solved by go, so I was trying to make fun of it by making it sound like it's going to be this great big fight and then you find out it's go… just like in the real show… -_-;; Although it's good to know that I made you think it was going to be a real fight ^_^ *flashes a V-sign* 

  


  


_RPG Hui   
hehe. quite funny ... :)_

  


Thanks ^_^ 

  


  


_sakurayuki   
ahh, poor akira!! ^0^ the ending was so cute. but i hope akira and hikaru never end up acting like that in the real manga!! =) _

keep up the great work!  
yours,  
sakura 

  


Hee, hee… yeah, I felt bad for Akira, but in this AU, he's a bit of a snot at times, so I don't feel quite as bad ^_~ And yes, I hope they don't really act like that in the manga. I'd be very afraid if they did… -_-;; 

  


  


_simplyMAKOTO   
Ha ha ha! ^__^! wow, that was really short and cute! I laughed out, and while my roommate might not have thought it very funny (since it's like 2am here), the image of Akira and Hikaru while they talked in front of that mirror made me laugh out loud! _

rock on! i know the epic fics can keep you tied up for a while, but I'm glad you took a break to be distracted! ^_^ good show!  
--makoto 

  


Thanks ^_^ I'm glad you found it amusing, and I apologize to your roommate for any disturbance I may have caused ^_^;; And again, thanks for the fanart! 

  


  


_Erin Ellis   
hee hee hee~ _

>> the "make a yaoi pairing out of me with Hikaru as I stalk him cause you want him to take my mind off of go" look ! 

  


O~hohohohohohohohoho! >:D 

  


  


  


  


The Worst Day of Them All: 

Well, guess I'll fill this section later ^_~ 

  


  


Ok, I'm off! Until next time~!  
akaisakura 


End file.
